I see stand-up as a stepping stone to television

Tweets of the week

"A disappointing result? Not at all," claimed Sauron, speaking from the smoking ruins of Mordor, "in fact it sends a clear message that we must continue to focus on our priorities for the people of Middle Earth and deliver on our goals of evil, depravity, and stopping the boats."
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) May 3, 2024

Who called it mentally undressing someone, and not baring them in mind
— Craig Deeley ????????????️‍???? ???????? (@craiguito) May 3, 2024

Ten years ago I was in reception at the Holiday Inn Salford quays, and the man ahead of me in the queue said loudly and laughingly "Why would i want a chicken?" And the receptionist said " check In". I often think about it.
— William Andrews (@Williamandrews) April 29, 2024

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 2, 2024

"Bosun, remind me how the Romans wrote the number two"
"Aye aye Captain"
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"Well?"
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) May 3, 2024

Drag name: Perry Menopausal
— Katya (@katya_zamo) April 29, 2024

Who called it meal planning and not food forethought
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) April 30, 2024

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I'll be able to afford a television.
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) May 3, 2024