I used to DJ at Stonehenge...

Tweets of the week

I used to be the DJ at Stonehenge but I no longer mix in those circles.
— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) April 25, 2024

ME: I’m looking for funding for my prison-based creative writing workshops.

ARTS COUNCIL: OK. What is the name of this project?

ME: Prose and cons.

ARTS COUNCIL: Get out.
— Ben Davis (@bendavis_86) April 24, 2024

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
— kim (@KimmyMonte) April 24, 2024

"I always found the phrase ‘no shit, Sherlock’ a bit…."

"Alimentary, my dear Watson?"
— Jason (@NickMotown) April 27, 2024

Next time I see a hat fetishist, I'm popping a cap in their ass
— Friz Frizzle (@FrizFrizzle) April 25, 2024

Just bought some posh cheesey puffs from Waitrose. They're called Whatwhatwhatsits.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 25, 2024

When I’m down I always think of the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy."

Wish I came up with that but I’m just a dumb stupid idiot
— Ali Woods (@AliWoodsGigs) April 24, 2024

"The hare and tortoise had a race and long story short, the tortoise won"
- ASAP’s fables
— Craig Deeley ????????????️‍???? ???????? (@craiguito) April 26, 2024

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) April 25, 2024

Great news for towns... you don't need a cathedral to apply for city status anymore. Just an M&S that does clothes
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) April 24, 2024