I'm supposed to have a protein shake every night...

Tweets of the week

Posts of the week

I'm late for work because I got drunk last night & set my calculator for $5:30.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) January 9, 2024

"That building really stands out"
"Yes, it’s the embossy"
— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) January 10, 2024

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
— kim (@KimmyMonte) January 12, 2024

I think the reason my dreams make no sense is cos it takes me ages to get to sleep so I always miss the beginning.
— William Stone (slowed+reverb) (@itswilliamstone) January 12, 2024

Some kids used to tease me because I looked like a bowl of custard, luckily I developed a thick skin. https://t.co/hWjiUjtoH3
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) January 12, 2024

kind of fucked up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) January 12, 2024

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That's whey past my bedtime.
— Alf (@whoelsebutalf) January 11, 2024

I am the fire starter, the infant fire starter
- child prodigy
— Craig Deeley (@craiguito) January 11, 2024

The Dragons' Den dragons haven't a clue what a good invention is. They even turned down my talking measuring jug. That speaks volumes.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) January 11, 2024

I’m supposed to be impressed by people eating spiders on I’m a Celebrity? I could do that in my sleep.
— Gary Delaney-next tour 2025 (@GaryDelaney) January 11, 2024