'As stupid as a dick'

WTF: Weekly Trivia File

‘I don't mind people nicking my material. It's a real honour that you have created something that people want to use.’ Jasper Carrott.

French comedian Christophe Aleveque has been ordered to pay €5,000 for calling Zinedine Zidane ‘as stupid as a dick’. The footballer’s lawyers sued over an interview in which the comic also said the French captain was a ‘whore’ and ‘a billboard with three neurones’ – insults they claimed ‘damaged the dignity’ of their client. Aleveque's lawyer Thomas Klotz said: ‘We're disappointed. We honestly thought that the right to humour would be recognised.’

Three stars of Modern Family got stuck in a lift for nearly an hour this week. But Eric Stonestreet, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Julie Bowen passed the time by tweeting about the incident in Kansas. ‘I honestly handled being stuck in an elevator for 50min better than I thought,’ tweeted Stonestreet. ‘All @jessetyler did was pass wind.’

Someone is using a picture of comedian Zoe Lyons as their profile image on the Plenty Of Fish dating site. She said: ‘It’s weird to find you’re being used as date bait.’

This is great. A radio presenter interviews Matt Hollins at the Leicester Comedy Festival and starts asking about his Shoretell Award. Hollins is baffled, as well he might be. The interviewer surely means Chortle Award – but even so Hollins has never won one, although he was once Leicester Mercury Comedian Of The Year. The confusion starts 30 seconds in... and strangely it was Demon FM itself that posted the clip online:

After musical comic Vikki Stone sold ten custom-written songs for £50 each for Alison Moyet's #twittermillion Comic Relief fundraiser, she announced that she'd do company ones for £500. First to sign up was SheWee, the ‘portable urinating device’ for women.

Roy Hudd says he’s being typecast. The 76-year-old comic veteran told the Telegraph: ‘Last year, I thought I'd cracked it when I had a terrific part in Call The Midwife. Sadly, my character died before the titles went up. I also died in the next four TV parts that I was offered. A fifth offer came in ... I asked, “Do I die in this one?”. Yes, was the answer.

Prepare for a shock: Russell Brand has revealed that he and Geri Halliwell were never an item, as widely reported last year, just friends.

Keith Lemon was the best man... for a man called Keith Lemon. Comic Leigh Francis based his creation on his childhood friend Keith, from Halifax, West Yorks, so did the honours at his Yorkshire ceremony. A decade ago, roles were reversed when the real Lemon was best man at Leigh’s nuptuals.

The Simpsons have been voted Britain's favourite TV family in some pointless survey.

After Ben Elton turned up to Peacock & Gamble’s tour show last week, this week Eddie Izzard popped in. Entertainers to the stars, those two...

Reporting on John Oliver’s temporary stewardship of The Daily Show yesterday, The Times went with the headline: ‘Unknown British comedian to fill in for Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.’ Unknown, that is, to anyone who’s never seen the Daily Show, where Oliver’s a regular. And the unflattering adjective is hardly testament to The Times’ own influence... Oliver co-presents The Bugle podcast that was hosted by The Times for four years.

Meanwhile, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams said Oliver will fill in for Oliver 'provided American's can understand his thick British accent'. Call that thick...?

Tweets of the week
Boothby Graffoe (@boothbygraffoe ): I'm watching Transformers 2. No, wait a minute it's Transformers 1. Hang on, it's The Deer Hunter. No, now it's Transformers 2 again...
Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell): Our dog kennel was designed by German architects. It's a bauwauhaus
Adam Bloom (@adambloomie2 ): You never see an elephant married to a goldfish & that's because it inevitably ends after a year when one of them forgets their anniversary.