I'm only choosing one clip for my perfect playlist and it's Laurel and Hardy...

One night I was hitch-hiking back from a gig in Aberdeenshire and got stuck a bit by Huntly, right between the 24-hour Asda and the 24-hour Tesco, when the police passed me as I was going for  pee in the bushes and they got suspicious….

After managing to avoid getting arrested, I then got a lift to Elgin from a pimped-up, lowered-down Nova with the neon underlights and three guys in it, two of them rolling spiffs thick as their wrists and swaying like skittles on a boat as we took those roundabouts that bejewel the glorious A96 in the nighttime fashion of minimal diversion from a straight line as possible.

They dropped me at the far edge of Elgin at that small bridge over where the river Lossie is still leapable for humans and salmon alike. And as I got out, the smoke departed upwards in a massive shape resembling the interior of the car, floating up into the hills to join with the mist and the atoms of all the real fires in this area.

Now I'm by the road that leads up to the Moray Single Malt Distillery and I consider breaking in there for the night and at least steeling an Angel's Share of fumes as comfort till dawn, yet I remember that one Christmas, where the Moray was on special offer of £13.99 for a LITRE and we had three and now I can't drink it anymore. And so I decide to hitch a white van which is coming my way.

The van stops and the windows wind down and Jim says: 'Is that you Phil Kay?' I say 'Yeh', and get in and go back to his to drink red wine and watch his Laurel and Hardy Box set...

I direct him to Blotto, a film where Stan has nicked some 'booze' from his wife's cupboard but she has replaced it with tabasco sauce and hot mustard and vinegar, and they go to a nightclub and sneak it into cups of prohibition milk and get pissed anyway and laugh and laugh at their successful naughtiness… and then.. .they're laughing and laughing until Stan turns to see his wife has followed them there and is sitting glowering at them holding a shotgun wrapped in brown paper...and... they... and laugh more..

Fell off the sofa.

• Phil Kay will lead the madness of Soirée Subterranea, a variety might in a secret underground chamber in London tomorrow (Saturday November 29). Tickets, priced £25, are available here.