So embarrassed in the antique shop...

Tweets of the week

I may or may not walk 500 miles
And I may or may not walk 500 more
Just to be that man who may or may not walk a thousand miles to either fall down or not fall down at your door

- The Disclaimers
— trouteyes (@trouteyes) May 13, 2024

The real escape room is the WhatsApp group set up to organise going to the escape room
— Josh Pugh (@JoshPughComic) May 16, 2024

So embarrassing in an antique shop when I tried to buy a vase and it turned out to be the negative space between the faces of two other customers
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 17, 2024

Pronouncing Milestone like Minestrone
— Paul Savage (@comedysavage) May 16, 2024

I've read all of Stephen King's books. The hardest part was sneaking into his house.
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) May 13, 2024

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.
— Gary Delaney-next tour 2025 (@GaryDelaney) May 13, 2024

[A week before my GCSEs]

DAD: How’s your revision going?

ME: Well my money’s on Switzerland, but the Italian entry is catchy too.
— Phil Pagett (@Phil_Pagett) May 11, 2024

*horse listening to the radio
Horse: I told him my name. I told him my name like 5 fucking times! No name?!
— The Deducers ???? (@TheDeducers) May 16, 2024