WTF... from Edinburgh

• Frankie Boyle's favourite Edinburgh Festival memory? ‘I once got wanked off on Calton Hill.’

• On arriving in Edinburgh, Brendon Burns got into the inevitable chat with a cab driver about what comedians he liked. ‘I love that Brendon Burns,’ the cabbie offered – demolishing any delusion Burns might have of being instantly recognisable. However the driver refused to believe his passenger’s insistence about his identity – even when driving past a poster of his face.

• Talking of Burns, during one show, a heckler popped up with the mild rebuke: ‘We beat your team,’ referring to Scotland’s victory over Australia at rugby last November. Burns shot back: ‘I don’t base my self-esteem on the achievements of others.’ Which would have been fine – had the comment not come from a member of the Scottish rugby team….

• Jack Whitehall admits he ‘acquired’ personal items from schoolmate Emma Watson, then sold them on eBay when she found fame in the Harry Potter movies. ‘It was a chance to be entrepreneurial and I'm sure Emma wasn't too upset,’ he hopes.

• What sort of klutz stumbles into an Edinburgh show almost a quarter of the way through, then, half an hour later, disrupts American comic Charlyne Yi’s delicate, sensitive story of a broken relationship when his mobile goes off? Step forward, shame-faced STV reviewer Michael MacLennan.

• Ed Byrne has made this:
  

• Three days into his Edinburgh show, Sean Hughes woke up with swollen eyes, a giant red face ‘the size of a pumpkin and a forehead like the Elephant Man’. In hospital, doctors diagnosed an allergic reaction to the goose feathers in the pillows at his Edinburgh digs. Appropriately enough., his Fringe show is titled Ducks And Other Mistakes I’ve Made. Meanwhile, Russell Kane has been crippled with grumbling appendix, and Susan Murray has received treatment for gastroenteritis. Healthy Fringe, everyone…

• Jim Jefferies managed to single-handedly ruined the day for 1,000 people at the Sydney Opera House thanks to his drunken antics. A few years ago, he took his best friend, who is a singer in Opera Australia, and four colleagues on a night out, which ended at a strip club at 6am. No surprise that all the singers missed the matinee the next day. ‘A thousand people were turned away because I’m an idiot,’ Jefferies said.

• During his Edinburgh show, lovelorn gay comic Paul Sinha selects a male candidate from the front row and makes predatory advances towards him. ‘Are you straight?’ Sinha asked of his victim. ‘Yes,’ the punter shot back in Tuesday’s show, before trying to offer helpfully: ‘But I've got a gay sister.’ Not much use, that…

• Alan Carr claims to have sprayed deodorant in his mouth to get rid of bad breath, saying: ‘I haven't got any Listerine so just sprayed some Lynx in my mouth!’

• Tweets of the week:
  Russell Kane (@russell_kane): A policeman drew a polyhedron on my photo-card. I can't believe it - six points on my licence.
  Jeremy Hardy (@jeremyjhardy): A friend was upset I borrowed his toothbrush. Went on about gum disease. I said, "Don't worry, I only used it to get dog shit off my shoe."
  Adam Bloom (@adambloomie): If you don't like a neighbour, borrow a fiver from their flatmate in an emergency and later post a pre-opened envelope through their door.

SOURCES: The Stand podcast, Chortle, STV, Daily Mirror, STV, YouTube, Chortle, Glasgow Herald, Chortle, Twitter, Twitter

Published: 13 Aug 2010