Stuart Laws' Edinburgh binge, cringe and whinge...

Stuart Laws is at the Edinburgh Fringe performing his show Stuart Laws Has to Be Joking? at Monkey Barrel at The Hive at 4.45pm.  Here he shares what he can't get enough of at the festival, his most embarrassing Edinburgh experience and the worst thing about the Fringe. Apart from the cost of accommodation, obviously…

Edinburgh binge

Crushing pussy all month long.

Edinburgh cringe

I stayed in an Airbnb for five days during a short Fringe run once. I was staying in the main bedroom and the host was staying in their guest room, I don’t make the rules. 

First night I got back at 1am and she had a friend staying in the guest room and planned on sleeping on the sofa. She invited me into the kitchen for a drink and I said yes - so as to preserve that sweet five-star rating. In the kitchen was another comedian and his tech. 

Within 25 minutes, my laser-guided intuition told me my host wanted to have sex with the comedian and that I was in the kitchen to keep the tech company while the sex happened. 

Except….

The guest room was occupied and the main bedroom was bound by the terms on Airbnb’s reputable website. So the only option that remained was the bathroom. They went and had sex and I sat awkwardly with the tech, hearing the fumbling and thrusting while trying to maintain small tech talk. 

Eventually they emerged and I took my chance to fumble and thrust my toothbrush into my mouth and back my ass into bed. For a salacious addition, I mentioned it to someone the next day and they told me the comedian was married. 

Edinburgh whinge

Clowns? Oh, no, I know, the worst thing is finding out at the end of writing an article to promote my fantastic and nuanced stand-up comedy show that ‘crushing pussy’ doesn’t mean disappointing my cat by being away all month. 

Is there any way to delete or remove words from a document or maybe we could convince Chortle to not print the answer to the first question? My PR is telling me it comes across badly and doesn’t sell the show in any way and that I’ve wasted a kind opportunity to plug my stand-up comedy show Stuart Laws Has To Be Joking? 

OK now my agent is here and they are saying that I have to stop wasting these opportunities by being a moron. ‘Just answer one of these things normally Stuart, then maybe Live at The Apollo wouldn’t keep replying "Who?" every time you email them to say they should book Brandon Fluffers.’ Oh what? Who are you? How did you get in here? OK, fine, I’ll put down the laptop if you put down the cat, just don’t hurt Brandon, no, no, noooooooooooooo.

Article dedicated to Brandon Fluffers 2020-2024, survived by a 4.5-star comedian.

Published: 3 Aug 2024