Phil Ellis on the highs, lows, and near-death experiences of Edinburgh

Phil Ellis is back at the Edinburgh Fringe with his Excellent Comedy Show, on at Monkey Barrel at the Hive at 12.30pm every day. Here he shares what he can't get enough of at the festival, his most embarrassing Edinburgh experience and the worst thing about the Fringe. Apart from the cost of accommodation, obviously… 

Edinburgh Binge

When I’m at the Edinburgh Festival, I absolutely devour improv theatre. Can’t get enough of shows that take other people’s creations such as Sherlock Holmes or Harry Potter and throw them into an entirely improvised show. 

Imagine Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a case but, wait for it…. He’s an idiot AND he has an overwhelming body odour. See? You’re already laughing. 

When I’m not taking in a sketch show based around everyone’s favourite Marvel characters, you’ll probably find me on the Royal Mile, transfixed by a privately-educated a capella group singing Dua Lipa hits. Failing that, you’ll find me unconscious in the Meadows.

Edinburgh Cringe

I mean, we could be here all day with this one. I guess the moment that really stands out is the time that I almost hanged myself at Chortle’s Fast Fringe. 

The Fast Fringe is a daily showcase in Edinburgh where each act has three minutes to perform and try to advertise their show to a packed out room at the Pleasance. It’s the perfect opportunity to shift a few tickets to the fickle public. 

I was booked to do a three-minute slot, but as I wandered over to the venue I checked my Google alerts to discover that Chortle had just reviewed my latest show and given it 3 out of 5 stars (classic Chortle). 

Well, I was obviously in shock. Me? A three-star comedian? Come off it pal! So I thought it would be fun to use my three  minutes at the Fast Fringe to tell everyone how Chortle had single-handedly ruined my Edinburgh run (In all honesty, that year’s show is the only show I’ve ever made that I wasn’t happy with, so three stars was pretty accurate… THIS YEAR’S SHOW IS DEFINITELY A FIVE STAR SHOW THOUGH! FACT!) 

So I walked onto the stage, explained my horror to the indifferent audience and proceeded to throw the microphone lead over the (surprisingly wobbly) lighting rig. I then fashioned a make-shift noose out of the other end and tightened it around my slender neck, stood on a chair and asked a lady to pull the lead nice and tight until I had to stand on tip toes. I then invited someone to kick the chair away and awaited the round of the applause I deserved for being so whacky and inventive.

Now, if you had been sat in the audience that afternoon, among  the hundred or so silent people, most of you would have realised that this was a clever, subtle and quite frankly classy metaphor for the plight of the struggling artist raging against the media machine that is the Edinburgh Festival.  You wouldn’t for one second think that I actually wanted you to kick the chair away, would you? 

Sadly, one guy on the front row liked to take things literally. I watched as he casually walked over and swiftly pulled the chair away from under me, causing me to fall. Luckily my fall was short-lived thanks to the noose tied around my neck. So rather than falling, I started to hang instead. Phew! 

The audience were clearly pleased by this and so began my first ever applause break. The problem was, I was genuinely now hanging and unable to pull myself up in fear of pulling down the entire lighting rig and killing at least 3 of the audience who were now chanting 'DIE DIE DIE!’

 Luckily, a lovely comedian called Gabriel Ebulue decided that someone should try to save my life so rushed over and held my twitching body aloft, whilst he untied my makeshift metaphor. 

I was obviously a little confused as to why the guy had taken away the chair so I calmly asked him ‘What the fuck did you do that for you fucking fuck fuck?!’

Well, turns out that before I had come on stage and tried to PRETEND to hang myself, three comedy magicians had performed and each one had asked the audience to participate in their tricks. He simply assumed that I was setting up some incredible kind of levitating magical set-piece. 

Oh how we laughed as I was attached to a heart monitor whilst a lady prepped a defibrillator…. Oh and I cringed.

Edinburgh whinge

Where are all the Scottish gift shops?! Each year I go to Edinburgh hoping to come home a month later with a bag full of Scottish-based novelty items and each year I return home empty-handed. 

Where can I buy a traditional Scottish tartan hat with adjoining Ginger hair? Can someone please point me in the direction of an establishment that sells fridge magnets with the word ‘Edinburgh’ written below the picture of a castle? How about a place where a weary artist can enjoy some freshly woven 15% cashmere scarves? DO BETTER EDINBURGH!

Published: 6 Aug 2023