From Philomena Cunk

What is Christmas? No one really knows. But if anyone has the investigative prowess to find out, it’s Philomena Cunk. Tonight the intrepid reporter goes on a journey ‘right up Christmas’ to discover the true facts. Here are 12 gems of quotes from the show…

‘Christmas is such a big deal that even Richard Dawkings probably does it – and he thinks Gods’ a twat who isn’t really there.’

‘Mary had to give birth here on the floor, like a crack addict.’

‘The baby Jesus wasn’t an ordinary baby, he was born with a big yellow circle around his head which must have been hell for Mary to push out, specially when you think nothing had been in or out of her "down below" before.’

‘How many Three Wise Men were there?’

‘Incredibly, the day he was born was only the beginning of Jesus’s life.’

To choristers: ’How do you get the music into the words?’

‘Civil war is like a real war, but not abroad, so it’s cheaper.’

‘Is Jesuses the right term? Is it Jesi?’

‘Santa judges goodness largely on parental income.’

‘Prince Albert’s tree would remain the most heavily decorated piece of wood to grace Buckingham Palace until the day Roger Moore was knighted.’

‘Baubles - which is what circles are called at Christmas.’

‘Charles Dickings… wrote something called a Christmas Carol, which was something called a book.’

• Cunk On Christmas is on BBC Two at 10pm tonight.

Published: 29 Dec 2016