by American comedian and writer Olivia Levine

Starting this article was difficult. Writing is difficult for most people, even professional writers. Sometimes especially for professional writers, and that’s why… 

Oh no, wait! What if that’s not true? What if writing ISN’T especially hard for writers!? What if this article centres on an idea that’s one big lie? And people write in to Chortle saying things like: ‘This woman hasn’t the faintest clue what she’s talking about! She shouldn’t be allowed to publish anything ever again!’

I will become all-consumed with anxiety and dread and shame, believing there is only one way to rid myself of these feelings. I will spend hours on end justifying HOW I could’ve possibly let an article be written based on a fallacious statement! I will find three solid reasons for why I’ve allowed this to transpire: 

1) Most writers I’ve spoken to feel this way

 2) I read it’s true in at least three sources 

3) Based on discussions I’ve had with non-writer friends, writing seems harder for me than them. 

I will repeat these reasons in my mind, until I feel ‘right’ again. This may take three repetitions, this may take ten repetitions. And the real kicker? Sometimes I will think I feel okay, and then the anxiety and dread will creep back in, and I’ll have to start my justification recitation all over again! Because the relief is only ever temporary. Part of a seemingly inexorable cycle, which only gets longer and longer the more I indulge in these mental ​rituals. 

So what the heck is up with me!? I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD is an anxiety disorder affecting about one or two per cent of the world. Folks with OCD experience uncontrollable and recurring intrusive thoughts and images, known as obsessions, which cause them to engage in repetitive mental acts or physical ​rituals. These are known as compulsions – they help to alleviate the stress of the obsessions. 

While some people with OCD know their thoughts are irrational – but still can’t resist the urge to compulse – others believe their intrusive thoughts are real, and think they are warding off actual danger by compulsing. There are many, many types of OCD, among them harm OCD (a fear of harming yourself or others), contamination OCD (characterised by a fear that things surrounding you are contaminated or a fear of spreading germs), relationship OCD (obsessions and compulsions related to partner, relationship) and many more. And guess what – I have had all of these types at some point over the course of my life! 

When I was eight years old, after watching the film Minority Report with Tom Cruise – a rather violent and disturbing thriller – I approached my father: ‘Dad, I don’t know why, but I’m afraid I am going to stab you in your sleep tonight, so I think it’s best I just go stay with mom.’

Yep, that was me at eight. My dad was a good sport, smiled, and assured me I probably wouldn’t go through with it. 

However, I still spent the rest of the day terrorised by intrusive images of me killing my own father. I don’t recall the compulsion that I practised in order to alleviate this distress – it was inevitably far less interesting than the gory images flooding my thoughts – but I do distinctly remember spending the whole day terrified of murdering my dad. 

This was only the first of many instances of me worrying I would harm others. Later on, in high school, I became fixated on the possibility of killing people with my vagina germs, which was a combination of harm and contamination OCD. I thought that my vagina was full of deadly toxins, and that anyone that came close to my crotch would die from my killer pussy (A perfect example of how irrational OCD can be, given your girl was not getting any). 

I have experienced all sorts of obsessions relating to harm, contamination, relationships, and more. But another component of my experience with OCD has been a struggle with perfectionism. My freshman year of college, I received the diagnosis of OCD/perfectionism. 

That’s right – I have a literal diagnosis telling me I need to CHILL THE EFF OUT. My perfectionism mixed with my OCD often renders me totally useless when it comes to my line of work, writing. 

First off, folks with perfectionism and OCD often have a very intense fear of failure that can prevent them from starting something at all. This is due to a concern with not executing the task flawlessly. My perfectionism often causes me to avoid a task altogether out of fear that I won’t do it 100 per cent perfectly. Often, I am so afraid a piece of writing won’t turn out the way I want it to, I don’t even start it at all. 

Then comes the control aspect. OCD is all about control and certainty. Folks with OCD have a very low threshold for tolerating uncertainty. The distress caused by uncertainty is often what leads to compulsions, which temporarily relieve the anxiety.

 For example, an obsession may begin with ‘What if I ran over someone while driving but didn’t notice?’ In order to quell this fear, someone with OCD may go back and retrace their route, meticulously checking for anything on the road. Or they may review their memories of the event over and over, searching for certainty. 

So how does this all apply to my writing process? Well, let’s return to the top. I sit down to write, and I am first plagued by the prospect of getting something wrong. On a good day, I push past this fear, and I begin writing the piece. 

On a bad day, I procrastinate or resort to my justifications. Let’s say it’s a good day. So I start the piece, push past my fear of writing a false statement, and start getting into the nitty-gritty. But then I am bombarded by more intrusive thoughts: ‘What if I can’t finish this on time? What if I start writing about something I don’t know enough about and have to research a lot of new material, which leads me to more information, and then I get lost in the endless information and become too confused to make sense of it all?’

On a good day, I acknowledge these thoughts as a desire for control, breathe through them, and redirect my focus to the writing process. On a bad day, I complete certain mental ​rituals that give me the illusion of control. 

I will be honest with you. Today is a bad day. I am in deep pain. You see, I got stuck about a page and a half up, on the idea of perfectionism. My mind is cycling fast now, my heart rate speeding up. I can’t stop asking the question ‘do I pave the perfectionism subtype of OCD or perfectionism plus OCD? Or is that the same thing?’ 

I frantically start googling things. I comb through multiple sources in search of that coveted feeling – certainty. But every source seems to say something slightly different. I am so confused. I am sweating now, I am wringing my hands and whimpering. My girlfriend asks if the cat is okay. I tell her I am the cat. 

My perfectionism (perfectionism subtype?) is in overdrive. Can I write an article about OCD without knowing if I have the perfectionism subtype or just accompanying perfectionism? THIS SHIT IS SO BANAL I KNOW, BUT I CAN’T STOP. 

My responsibility OCD starts kicking in... will someone read this and then reference me, but then it’ll turn out the information is inaccurate, and I’ll get them into trouble? Wait, is that responsibility or harm OCD? Could it be both? Fuck it, I can only handle so many queries at once! 

I can’t stop obsessing over whether or not I should get someone to check this article that knows more about OCD than I do. I am trying to lean into the uncertainty of it all, like my therapists have taught me, but I feel like my chest is going to explode. I cycle through the same thoughts over and over, I can’t move on, I CANNOT FOCUS. Please help me, my mind is spinning out of control, I am sitting here on the brink of tears and I… 

This is my biggest nightmare I am in so much pain I feel like the only way through is to figure it out, figure it out is not a slogan as they say in Al Anon no wait is it AA or Al Anon, FUCK GET IT RIGHT BIG O.

Big O is what my mom calls me. I am literally named after an orgasm. Is it because she had so many or is it because i make her feel better than anyone else so I am the big O. Is this helping? I think this is helping, big breath Olivia, big breath, My heart rate is slowing down, I care less about getting it right. I don’t know where to go from here but I know that I will not die even though I feel like O might. 

Sorry. Or not sorry. Because that helped me – a lot. But that may have been jarring for you. Sometimes, when I am stuck in a thought pattern, I just have to change the way I’m expressing myself. That was a stream of consciousness break. Sometimes I dance instead. Sometimes I cry. Anything to break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. 

My girlfriend stopped me midway through writing this article, as I was wringing my hands and howling like a wounded animal. 

She said: ‘Take a break. Let’s just hang out, give yourself a break." I responded, ‘No! I have to figure it out! Just let me figure it out!’

I went back to writing, practically writhing in agony. But as they say in AA or Al Anon or wherever (I tell myself it is okay not to know), ‘Figure it out is NOT a slogan.’ Figuring it out is not the thing. Because the reality is, I will never feel better through obsessing. I will never get the certainty I hunger for, just an ephemeral sense of relief. So I must instead do something so much more difficult, and yet, much simpler – live in the mess. That is my task, and for today, I embrace it. 

• Olivia Levine’s debut stand up hour Unstuck is at Just The Tonic - The Mash House at 7.30pm from August 1.

Published: 28 Jul 2024