The Beta Males explain why they're quitting the genre

The Beta Males are leaving the world of sketch comedy, with a farewell show at the Udderbelly. Here, in their own style, they describe why:

INTERVIEWER: Talk me through this again - which four white guys are you?

GUY KELLY: Y'know, The Beta Males?

ADAM BLAMPIED: The sketch troupe your Mum wants to take home for tea?

JOHN HENRY FALLE: Creators of The Bunker? Superopolis? Happenstance?

INTERVIEWER: Nope. Still nothing.

RICHARD SOAMES: …We used to do a naked astronaut sketch?

INTERVIEWER: Oh yeah - I've…seen that. So - is this really the last Beta Males show?

JHF: Do you mean are we going to chicken out like Pappy's did with their so'called 'Last Show Ever'?

GK: We're not fucking cowards.

AB: Seriously, those guys look old now.

JHF: Sad old.

INTERVIEWER: So this is The End then?

GK: Hell. Yes.

RS: Equally we're not going overboard…

AB: …like when The Penny Dreadfuls deported Humphrey Ker…

JHF: …or when Idiots Of Ants all drank that poisoned Orangina.

RS: We may be back in some form or another and there are other projects we'd like to do but that's it for sketch comedy.

GK: Trust us, kids. That well runs dry.

INTERVIEWER: And it's not cos you guys didn't get a TV show?

RS: We have never wanted a TV show.

AB: Anyone who says we ever did is a liar.

GK: We were content to be Chortle Award Nominees for Best Sketch, Character or Owner Of A Stupid Wig 2012.

JHF: That was enough for us.

RS: Seriously though it's lovely to see our contemporaries doing so well.

JHF: Late Night Gimp Fight finally made themselves 'Channel 5 ready.

RS: And McNeil & Pamphillon have got 8-Bit on Dave!

GK: Didn't they replace you with Dara O'Briain, Rich?

RS: NO YOU WERE REPLACED WITH DARA O'BRIEN, GUY! SHUT YOUR FUCKHOLE!

INTERVIEWER: Wow. Am I sensing some tension in the group?

AB: Look - it's no secret that every few years we have a meltdown and replace a Beta Male.

JHF: Except me! I've never left!

GK: That's what we call a common denominator.

AB: I mean the Sugababes model worked well for us for many years.

RS: And we want to thank everyone who's been a Beta Male over the years Jon Gracey, Tom Clarke, Jay Foreman, all of Birthday Girls, 2/3 of Casual Violence, Lazy Susan, the one you can remember from Delete The Banjax…

AB: But sooner or later people realise how financially unviable sketch comedy is.

GK: Let's put it this way, there aren't two Maxes and two Iváns.

INTERVIEWER: I'm going to ask this as I'm running out of generic comedy questions to ask but… 'Any fun memories?'

JFH Putting my balls all over Rich's back.

AB & GK: John Henry putting his balls all over Rich's back.

RS: …No.

INTERVIEWER: And what can we expect from the final show?

AB: Our best sketches from five sellout Edinburgh Fringe shows.

GK: And perhaps a few surprises along the way.

JHF: Plus let's just say there's a lot Rich's back that I've yet to explore so watch out for that!

INTERVIEWER: I won't be there.

RS: Probably for the best.

INTERVIEWER: Any final words?

JHF: Yeah. Beasts can go fuck themselves too.

• The Beta Males: Alpha Sketches is at the Udderbelly, 9.15pm on June 29.

Published: 20 Jun 2016