Michael Legge goes a woo-ing

You probably need to read this Correspondence piece from yesterday if this is to make any sense…

This is a Tinder message. Quite modern, it's a Tinder message from a man to another man. Less modern, it's from a comic to a critic. I know it's tediously old hat but I don't want a 5 star review or anything. I simply want to put my dick in Steve Bennett, Chortle's editor.

As a Northern Irishman, I often had the word 'NO!' automatically thrusted upon me, but as quite an agreeable human being I always accepted what it meant. That is, until I met Steve Bennett from the internet.

His attitude towards comedy seems to be that he likes it a lot. So much so that he started up a website to promote comedy and to give his opinion on it. Steve, in fact, has never shrugged from the 'safety' of it just being an opinion. His loves and hates seem, at all times, of almost basic human being proportions, his changes of mind seem pretty normal. Hence, I want to fuck him.

Somebody famously said that: 'Ambition makes you look pretty ugly'. More often than he is credited for, Steve ignores those just in comedy for a bit of recognition rather than the art.

If you're unlucky enough to be that comedian who will gladly exchange all dignity for a 5-star review from a rape apologist, then he feels almost obliged to help that daft sod do so.

All this reminds me of when, in a past life, I used to work in a morgue. I really did. A well known phrase of that scene was 'We've got another one!' meaning a 'dead person' – the kind that gave up any movement whatsoever and hoped that maybe a few good words at the end from a near-stranger instead of actually living was enough.

Being Northern Ireland and The Troubles, these poor saps were often not thinking straight, just hoping for a bit of glory, not realising what they were doing instead of ignoring critics and try to shape the world they observe into a better one. Anyway, Steve Bennett is just one of many people who likes comedy. And, as a result, I want my 'stiff' to be 'buried' in him.

For these reasons, I'd like to bang the shit out of Steve. I don't want a good review or even a kind word. I just want to be honest and say that I would like to have consensual sex with Steve Bennett. His spelling misteaks and asking for money to review people might not be to everyone's taste but I like him.

So much so that I want to get right in him and go off in his guts like a dirty bomb. The fact that he has an opinion, even if he can't always spell it, and his general support of comedy are enough of a good reason to kiss his sweet mouth passionately and slide whatever I can of me into whatever I can of him but not only that: Steve is NOT a rape apologist. I mean that is really what I basically look for in any comedy reviewer. I love reading about Abandoman knowing fully well that the reviewer is not thinking that wearing a skirt means it's your fault you got raped.

That, at least, makes him more attractive that some other reviewers. Also, Steve invented penicillin. I know that isn't true but that doesn't matter.

You know what? I've tried making this creepier than that guy's 'Love Letter to Kate Copstick' but it's impossible. Only a fearful, subordinate mind could have thought of it!

Published: 24 May 2015