Comedy is opening up and the rules are changing. I want to discuss one rule that no one else seems brave enough to touch. 

Everyone else drivels on about free speech and if women are funny. Not me. I’m here to tell you the truth about what happens behind the scenes, in the shadows, in private green room conversations all over the world.

What’s happening is generations of comedians telling other comedians not to wear shorts on stage and, unbelievably, comedians heeding this instruction as if it’s sacred.

What I want to know is why.

Some comedians recall having worn shorts on stage as if it was a blunder they made in their earlier open mic years. Then some mentor came along, took them aside in private, and told them that wearing shorts on stage is greatly frowned upon within the community.

The comedian learned their lesson, changed their ways, and is now mortified remembering that time they wore shorts on stage. They equate it to an evolution away from a taboo, akin to admitting they were once a heckler before starting stand-up themselves.

What is wrong with shorts and why can’t we wear them on stage?

Nothing is wrong with shorts. Shorts are great! They’re like trousers, but small. They’re for warm climes, for poorly ventilated rooms, for when you want to move more freely than you can in a skirt of the same length. What other place can I think of that’s warm, poorly ventilated, and where I’d want to move more freely than I would in a skirt? THE STAGE.

We can’t wear shorts on stage because an insignificant handful of prudes passed down some made-up nonsense? Instead of comedians asking why not, almost everyone just accepted that that’s the way it is. Quit that.

Anti-shorts sentiment is ruining comedy and those perpetuating it are a part of the problem. If you want to keep your thighs ensconced in fabric like a coward, that’s your personal choice. Don’t impose your puritanical ideologies on those of us who move freely through the world.

Anyone who tries to define rules in comedy is probably really boring and should absolutely have those rules challenged. I can think of good reasons for other comedy rules, like why comedians should never run the light, why audiences should shut up while comedians are talking, or why there’s a rule of three.

But shorts on stage? What are the reasons for that rule? I’ve heard people say they’re too casual. Meanwhile an entire genre of identical comedians, of which I am one, will all parade onto stage one after the other indistinguishably wearing the same-ass black hoodie. That’s not too casual for you leg hiders? Also, there are plenty of formal shorts. Ever seen a ring bearer? School uniforms? Pleated shorts? Business shorts? Don’t be pigheaded.

Some people think shorts show too much skin. Don’t do this. Don’t sexualise something that didn’t ask to be sexualised. Anything can be sexualised, but that’s not shorts’ fault. It’s the problem of the pervert doing the sexualising.

Sure, sexy shorts exist. So what? Sexy comedians exist, too. Let the sexy comedians be sexy in their sexy shorts if that’s what they want. Let’s not victim-blame shorts for being shorts, though. I’ll fight you.

What are we even doing? Look at what other performers in the arts are wearing. Actors in stage plays or musicals can sashay in dressed like a tree, flutter their branches, and just be a tree. No one blinks. Ballerinas will cavort in leggings with their whole dick shrink-wrapped to their thigh in front of a family. That’s just what they do.

Comedians want to push boundaries with their edgy jokes but won’t even let the sun kiss their thighs? Grow up.

I decided to shed my fears of this anti-shorts nonsense several years into my comedy career after thinking it over carefully. Sometimes during a set I find myself squatting, running in place, laying facedown, or some other important artistic expression. I want to be comfortable performing my art.

Trousers are cool, but after decades of our species trying to kill Earth, the planet is retaliating. It’s hot. My state of California is a desert. Air conditioning is expensive. I’m sweaty all the time. This isn’t the era for confining my beautiful gams into stuffy, restrictive tubes.

I asked myself ‘who am I afraid of?’  I couldn’t think of anyone. No one who has pooh-poohed shorts-wearing in comedy has been someone whose sensibilities in fashion or comedy matter to me. If I don’t respect what someone thinks about shorts, how can I care if they hate mine?

So then began my debuting of all sorts of shorts on stage. Blue leopard print. Mesh. Floral. Basketball. Board. Disney. Ruffled waist. Sweatshorts. Jorts. Never cargo, though; those are an abomination for a different opinion piece. I became the world’s premier Shorts Comedian and a vocal advocate of shorts on stage. I have never looked back, unless I wanted to cover up mosquito bites or got kind of cold.

Shorts comedians are increasing in number, but the stigma remains. Some younger and newer comedians are shorts comedians without even giving it a thought because they never lived through shorts shaming. I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of comedy world in which I want to live.

If shorts aren’t your style, keep wearing what you like. But if you’re a comedian who would wear shorts and are limiting yourself or if you’re insecure about appearing before the public in shorts, stop it. Stop it right now.Everyone looks good in shorts (except cargo shorts, which should all be burned and their histories revised into silence).

Don’t hide your light under a bushel because some negative so-and-sos who still think a sports coat with jeans is our uniform tried to make you. Let your light shine. Free your thighs. If the stage isn’t the place for exhibiting the goods, where is?

• Dalia Malek: Another Castle is on at Just the Tonic Mash House at 3:15pm