The optician's wedding vows..

Tweets of the week

What if the only kid who isn’t moaning about the Wonka Experience has passed the test and is now the heir to the Wonka Experience?
— Josh Pugh (@JoshPughComic) February 29, 2024

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) February 23, 2024

being a silly goose? you mean delusions of gander?
— ugh (@ughfinewhatever) February 29, 2024

Working as a conductor on a ghost train is all tickety boo.
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) March 1, 2024

My mate has a bad stammer, and by the time he told us his Nanna had died, we were all singing Hey Jude....
— LC1878 (@cupidstunt08) February 28, 2024

Bloody woke MPs. they're so Rt. Hon.
— Alistair King (@Alistair_King) February 27, 2024

I told my kid that in France, sometimes they put meat and beans inside their crêpes and call them Frenchiladas and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 28, 2024

The easiest job I ever had was taking pictures of the former singer from Marillion for a fashion shoot.

Seriously, it was shooting Fish in apparel.
— David Quantick (@quantick) February 29, 2024

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
— Stephen Lee (@StephenBaeFleek) February 29, 2024

I was ashamed to be expelled from of mime school for the worst possible offence, and that’s saying something.
— Gareth George - Groan Man (@groanman2020) February 24, 2024