Lots of publicity for his £500 deposit

Lee Nelson has pulled off another publicity stunt - after registering as a by-election candidate in David Miliband's former seat of South Shields.

However, just hours after comedian Simon Brodkin handed in the papers on behalf of his alter-ego, he withdrew the nomination.

In that short time he got widespread media coverage for his announcement – all for the £500 deposit required to register.

The official papers say he had been standing as an independent, although he also claimed to be representing Lee Nelson's Well Good Party.

He read out a speech on the steps of the Town Hall in South Shields, delivering a 17-point manifesto with policies, including issuing each child with lottery scratch cards at birth.

He said: ‘One of the Miliband twins, I ain’t sure which one, has abandoned you to take a gap year in America.

‘Which means he’ll be in South Shields just as often as he was before.

‘I’m here now, and I spent all morning speaking to real people on the streets of the North East and I can tell you now – I didn’t understand a word they said.’

He added: ‘David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson - I wasn't educated at Eton or Oxford. In fact, I wasn't educated at all. It's time to give the posh the push. And let Lee be your leader for a well great Britain.’

Earlier this month Brodkin escaped prosecution after sneaking on to the pitch and training with the Manchester City team before to a Premier League match; and last year he was apprehended by an off-duty PCSO after a stunt in which he appeared to be stealing his own DVDs from HMV in London’s Oxford Street.

After his arrest for the Goodison Park incident, Brodkin insisted he was not a crude publicity seeker.

Here is Nelson’s 17-point manifesto:

1. HEALTH

Healthy drinking targets will be achieved by increasing the recommended amount of alcoholic units of per week. The new limits will be your age plus 30 for a bloke and for a woman, as much as she likes until she’s well up for it. I will reverse the smoking ban. If you don’t want to smoke you should go outside. Why should the people with the unhealthy lungs have to go out in the cold every 20 minutes?

2. A FAIR CHANCE FOR EVERY CHILD

Each child born will be given 50 free lottery scratch cards.

3. PAGE 3

Girls getting their boobs out in a national newspaper has had its day. It’s 2013 and it’s about time they showed us their muffs as well.

4. THE ECONOMY

The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer, to redress the balance there will a day of looting and rioting on the first Saturday of every month.

5. TRANSPORT

Black cab drivers to be forced to wear helmets. Firstly for safety but mainly to shut them up.

6. THE MONARCHY

The Queen will abdicate and spend the rest of her life in a Croydon retirement home. Pippa Middleton to made queen and her bottom portrayed on all stamps and banknotes. Apart from the £50 note, which is larger, and should feature Kelly Brook’s chest.

7. EDUCATION

All schooling is to be made voluntary.

8. AGE OF VOTING

To increase voter turnout voting is to be done via an X-Factor style TV show called Xbox. With no limit on the number of votes. To engage with younger voters the voting age is to be lowered to 8.

9. THE ENVIRONMENT

Britain’s streets will be cleaned up by increasing Carlos Tevez’s community service hours

10. A MORE BALANCED POWER

There are too many well posh, well rich, Eton and Oxford educated politicians. I will balance this by using positive discrimination, ensuring that 50 per cent of the Cabinet is made up of those who left school before 16 and have never had a job.

11. THE ELDERLY

Old people are often complaining that they’re too cold. I will address this by extending their free travel rights to Spain*. Any old people who don’t want to go will, free of charge, be wrapped in insulation foil.

12. ROADS

Traffic wardens are to be made illegal. Anyone who continues to do the job of traffic warden will be clamped and towed away.

13. CRIME

Too many people are needlessly involved in the criminal justice system. I promise to reduce this number by decriminalising most crime. Prisons are overcrowded and prisoners are bored. I will therefore introduce a weekly National Prison Lottery for inmates. A pound to enter, the lucky winner gets released.

14. FOREIGN POLICY

Trident will be scrapped because chewing gum is no deterrent against nuclear weapons.

15. THE EURO

I will scrap the Euro and make the pound the currency across Europe.

16. IMMIGRATION

I believe that immigrants are beneficial to the country. They are prepared to do things that British people aren’t, like getting a job. I will also keep the border open with Scotland and Wales.

17. GOVERNMENT SPENDING

All the above will be paid for by forcing George Osborne, David Cameron, Boris Johnson and all well loaded Cabinet members to sell their second, third and fourth homes and by disbanding the police force.

*One-way, no return

Published: 20 Apr 2013