The weekly trivia file...

• Alan Carr on Celebrity Apprentice: ‘They just stuck the gays together so me and Gok spent a lot of the time together - him mincing around with a handbag and then me behind him with a bin liner.’

• Robbie Williams and David Walliams compared the size of each other’s penises on set of their Comic Relief sketch to be screened tonight. ‘They are very equal,’ the singer said. ‘It was 2-2. A score draw on the cock front.’ Walliams added: ‘I think that’s a good thing. Otherwise I would have thought, “Oh look, he’s Robbie Williams AND he’s got that.”’

• Matt Lucas’s brother was a childhood friend of Sacha Baron Cohen. The Little Britain star remembers going round to Sacha’s house to ‘watch them breakdance together’.

• Not stand-up, but this video of a comedy character called Mudfinger certainly deserves its place on WTF:

• According to Popbitch, Lenny Henry's PA has to pick the raisins out of his muesli in the morning.

• Mathew Horne says he’s sexually attracted to ‘elves, Eskimos and aliens’ – adding that his girlfriend of 12 months ‘looks like a cross between all three, with a bowl haircut and thin legs’. He added: ‘I consider myself to be an elf, and we are attracted to our own kind, aren't we?’

• Russell Brand has thanked Andrew Sach’s granddaughter Georgina Baillie for increasing his notoriety – and book sales. At a signing in New York, he said: ‘Have you ever heard of Andrew Sachs? Well, his daughter is a Satanic Slut. I had sex with the Satanic Slut and after I found out it was like a post-coital bonus. I’d like to thank her for facilitating you lovely people coming here and buying my book.’ He added: There is an after party in my underpants and everyone is invited – people of all genders and persuasions.’

• Stand-up Shappi Khorsandi was baffled when she was asked onto David Frost’s al-Jazeera show to talk about Iran. ‘They were asking me a lot of very hard questions about things I obviously knew nothing about,’ she said. ‘Pretty soon everyone was wondering what I was doing there. And then it turned out they thought I was Shami Chakrabarti ...’

• Here’s Ricky Gervais on the set of Sesame Street:

• At school, Alan Carr gave a teacher a fright by pretending to jump out of the window. ‘When the teacher went out the classroom I ran down three flights of stairs and laid on the concrete, spread-eagled,’ he said. ‘The rest of the class screamed, “Alan’s jumped out of the window!” I thought it was funny.’

• Stewart Lee says that when This Morning With Richard Not Judy was on air, it was so shunted around the schedules, even he didn’t know when it was on. ‘I remember one week I had to ring up the producer and say, “It’s on tonight at six”,’ he recalled. ‘And he went, “Oh my God, we haven’t even edited the show yet.” That’s the extent to which we were valued. The show was scheduled and it hadn’t even been made.’

• ‘Which funnyman likes nothing more than scoffing the horse tranquiliser ketamine?’ asks the Daily Mirror’s 3am column today.

SOURCES: Daily Mirror, Daily Star, Jewish Chronicle, Sunday Mirror, YouTube, Popbitch, Daily Mirror, thelondonpaper, MediaGuardian, AP, Daily Mirror, Metro, Daily Mirror

Published: 13 Mar 2009