Sex, masturbation and Morris dancing

The weekly trivia file

‘I’m just a highly sexed, intellectualised, fucking dangerous, little working-class fuck.’ Andrew Maxwell

When Mike Myers felt unwell on a recent trip to Greece, he had to call out the local doctor, who gave an unusual diagnosis. Myers said: ‘I got sick as a dog. The doctor came, and he was Greek, and he just kept saying to me, “You know what your problem is? Too much malaka.” And malaka, evidently, is masturbation."

On Monday, the website of North Dakota TV news channel KXnet announced: ‘George Carlin dead… Gas prices up.’ Huh?

Tim Fitzhigham today begins his latest eccentric wheeze – to Morris dance the 150 miles from London to Norwich in nine days. That’s skipping two-thirds of a London marathon every day. He’s retracing the steps of William Kemp, who was Shakepseare’s favourite clown – until the Bard refused him a role in Hamlet and the funnyman threw a strop, huffing that if he couldn’t be in the play he would Morris dance to Norwich. Sir Tim’s exploits will form the basis of an Edinburgh show, of course. But he’s not the only comic embarking on a daft trip for the sake of Fringe inspiration. Mark Olver is walking from Bristol to Edinburgh, while Peter Buckley-Hill will be making the trip to the festival from London, only on local buses, using his newly acquired pensioners’ pass.

Big Brother contestant Mikey Hughes, billed as a comedian on the strength of a couple of stand-up gigs he did before going into the reality TV show, has been entertaining housemates with his routine. Here it is:

From today’s Holy Moly! mailout: ‘Which slaphead comedian/panellist once shagged a (gorgeous) PA and got her to shout over and over again, "I'm only fucking you because you're on the telly!" whilst he drilled away.’

Robin Ince says: ‘Some comedians hope to get off with loads of women and take drugs, but one of the best things that ever happened to me was when a woman came up to me after a gig and said, “Can you give me a reading list?”.'

‘What am I going to do when I stop being a comedian? Maybe I'll try water-skiing. People who do that are always waving and grinning, so it must be fun.’ Sean Lock

SOURCES: Time Out, Contactmusic.com, Glamour, KXnet, Chortle, The Times, Holy Moly!, Metro, Swindon Advertiser

Published: 27 Jun 2008