Russ: I'm finger-flicking good

The week's comedy trivia

Russell Brand reckons he’s a wiz at Subbuteo, ‘combining the nimble fingers of Liberace and the geometrical understanding of Ronnie O'Sullivan’.

How do you know when you’ve made it in comedy? Well, when they’re selling voodoo effigies of you in Brick Lane Market in East London, that should be a clue. Chortle spotted this one-off Russell Brand doll – the work of art anarchists The Kuntists - on a stall last weekend, and duly bought it. We would stick needles into it, but Russell is surely used to that…

And, what’s that I hear you ask? What are Brand’s views on the Monarchy, the old radical? Well, let him tell you: ‘I believe that this country’s class structure of which the Queen is the head is oppressive and outmoded but I believe her to be a wonderful woman who has brought a lot of joy to a good many people in times of incredible hardship and conflict and out of respect we should abstain from revolution till she’s no longer sovereign.’

Simon Amstell says no one believed him when he came out as gay, so he ‘had to keep going on about it’.

Ricky Gervais says only one guest star turned him down for the Extras series finale: Keith Harris and Orville. ‘Orville was up for it, but Keith Harris didn't want to do it. They argued for ages,’ he said.

This is just hideous. Paddy McGuinness, not at a gig, but just showing up at a Halifax nightclub for a dreadful ‘personal appearance’, demonstrating his favourite sexual position in front of a few hundred howling drunks. You just can’t buy class…

David Walliams says he’s terrified of meeting Take That’s Gary Barlow after her and Matt Lucas mocked him on Rock Profiles some years back. ‘I'd still be embarrassed about meeting him, [as he] got it royally on Rock Profiles,’ he said ‘Somehow Matt playing Gary Barlow really took off in our minds and we became obsessed at spoofing him. I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley.’

Anyone who saw Bill Bailey’s recent Tinselworm tour will know that Asda asked him to front one of their TV ads. Affronted, he said no and wrote an anti-corporate song at their expense. Pity Paul Whitehouse, then, who went to see Tinselworm and found himself the subject of Bailey’s tirade for taking the Wal-Mart dollar. But rather than sink shame-faced into his seat, Whitehouse at least had the front to yell out: ‘I’m here in the audience, you cunt!’ – and got a laugh.

Ernie Wise’s widow Doreen isn’t exactly enamoured with Ant & Dec, who are sometimes hailed as successors to Morecambe & Wise’s entertainment crown. ‘I can’t understand what they say half the time,’ she says.