Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer

Every day until the end of the Fringe, we're asking one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions from the RHLSTP podcast to comedians. Here's today's batch of insights...

This is going to sound outrageous, but just keep an open mind: a phone. Just an ordinary mobile phone. Except THIS mobile phone, after a year and a half, still works.   Dalia Malek whose show Another Castle is on at Just the Tonic at 3:15pm

The old cattle-prod white stick. Allows blind people to navigate through large crowds with shocking ease. Jamie MacDonald whose show Reasonably Adjusted is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:45pm

A scrunchie for spring onions, keep those veggie sticks together with style.  Alison Spittle whose show Wet is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 4:45pm

Savoury water. There’s a whole host of ready-made salty flavours just waiting to hydrate us, then immediately dehydrate us again. Tell me you wouldn’t drink cheese and onion, I dare you.   Luke Rollason whose show Bowerbird is on at Monkey Barrel at 12:30pm

Online banking. Think they'll be amazed you don't have to just keep your money out on a table. Christian Brighty whose show Christian Brighty: Playboy is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 9:40pm

Microwave ready-meals that are big enough to actually constitute a meal.   Tom Little whose show Tom Little Has Good Reviews So Prepare to Be Impressed is on at Subway at 3:45pm

Male birth control :) Mary Beth Barone whose show Silly Little Girl is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:30pm

Junk in the Trunk: a clothing shop where all the clothes are designed for people who have larger than average butts but don't need extra room at the waist or crotch.  Cerys Bradley whose show Sportsperson is on at Gilded Balloon at 4:40pm

It's not a new product, but I reckon an Uzi would be good. That and a hessian bag. They have all that money piled up. And I be like: ‘I’d like all of your money for a 0% stake in my business’.  Brennan Reece whose show Crowded is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:20pm

I'd pitch the self as a product, because THAT is what SOCIAL MEDIA has turned us into. Or maybe a new kind of biscuit.  Leo Reich whose show Literally Who Cares?!  is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 9:35pm

A healthy cigarette.   Jake Cornell whose show Man & Woman is on at Assembly at 6:15pm

I think there should be a way to send text-based messages to drivers of nearby cars to figure out what the hell they mean. It's the 21st century, why are we still gesturing wildly to someone and hoping they understand it means ‘go ahead and change lanes, I'll wait a second?’  Rebecca Kaplan whose show Arielle Dundas and Rebecca Kaplan: Parfait is on at Laughing Horse @ City Cafe at 12:05am

A pram that you could run with without having to push it, you could just attach it to your waist with a kind of ball and socket joint. I don't have children but I often see those losers pushing a pram on their runs and think ‘You could have it so much better. You could be using your arms.’ But they knew that was part of the deal.  Alex MacKeith whose show Thanks for Listening  is on at Underbelly at 2:45pm

Flunch - the wettest lager in the West.  The Awkward Silence whose show The Awkward Silence's Big Break is on at Gilded Balloon at 2:20pm

Dress Crocs that could work with a nice suit.  Eli Matthewson whose show Daddy Short-Legs is on at Underbelly George Square at 8:50pm

A sticker you put on your face at the same time as you lock the front door. So then if you panic during the day about whether or not you locked the door, you just need to look in the mirror to see if you've got your sticker on or not. If the sticker's there, the door's locked. If it's not there, you either forgot to lock the door, or forgot to put the sticker on.  Joz Norris whose show Blink is on at Pleasance Dome at 8:20pm

A rival format of Dragon's Den called Pelican's Perch where every idea is fully funded and everybody gets to feel good about themselves.  Patrick Spicer whose show Who’s This All of a Sudden is on at Gilded Balloon at 6:20pm

A non wheelie suitcase (yes, I know that they exist but with better, more tempting branding)  Tom Skelton whose show 2020 Visions (What if I hadn't gone blind?) is on at Underbelly at 7:15pm

A mattress with a hole you can pee into, so you don't have to get out of bed to use the toilet.  Emmy Blotnick whose show The 30 Fragrances of Jennifer Lopez: A Show About Death, Betrayal and Financial Ruin is on at Assembly at 6:40pm

A downstairs boardroom, so people didn't have to take that stupid lift just to talk to them. Griffin and Jones whose show Griffin and Jones: Idiot Magicians  is on at The Voodoo Rooms at 6:15pm

A cafe called Kids' Meals - a hipster style cafe where we serve kids meals for adults like hoops on toast, waffles  and potato faces with fish fingers. Hatty Ashdown whose show The Worry Drawer  is on at Voodoo Rooms  at 2:00pm

Published: 25 Aug 2022