CK Goldiing says Frankie's fans get what they deserve

Three years ago, while looking after my five-year old niece, she was bitten on the nose by a dog… my dog. Of course, I love my niece like she’s my own daughter, but when my sister (her mother) fought tooth and nail to have my Staffordshire Bull Terrier put down, I too fought tooth and nail to save him.

‘In his defence, he was only following his natural instincts,’ I offered by way of mitigation.

Ever since, my family have treated me like a pariah.

To this day, no one can understand what would inspire an uncle to say something so compassionless, but in the end, I stand by it… my poor pooch hadn’t been fed in an entire week, so when I balanced a chunk of moist, glistening liver meat on my niece’s face as she slept softly, the outcome was somewhat inevitable.

So, fans of Frankie Boyle, who were unable to attend his gig in Glasgow Tuesday evening due to poor weather conditions, are incredulous, indignant and seemingly horrified because he’s treating them with apparent contempt.

WOW!

My amusement is matched only by Mr Boyle’s, no doubt. The irony really is delicious, as historically, no one has been quicker to leap to Mr Boyle’s defence in the face of acute adversity than his ever-loyal punters.

Consider the furore in April, where Boyle demonstrated breathtaking indifference towards a mother’s hurt when she took exception to his unapologetically brutal Down’s syndrome material. The mother, sitting in the front row, made it known that her daughter had the condition, to which Boyle gallantly offered a remorse-fuelled: ‘This is my last tour. I don't give a fuck what people think.’

In the ensuing media storm, I was almost deafened by the thunderous racket coming from ‘Boyle fans’, all bleating, in perfect sheep-like harmony: ‘It’s Frankie Boyle… you know what you’re getting when you buy a ticket!’

How exquisite that these same morons, who once took Boyle’s bullets, are now calling for his public flogging, when in reality, he’s guilty of doing nothing more than what they’ve previously demanded from him with almost crack addict-like zeal.

The only thing that tempers the absolute disdain I have for these two-faced idiots is the fact that they do indeed have two faces… and I’m hoping to give one of them to my once beautiful niece, or ‘Dog Face’, as I now call her.

• CK Goldiing is a bit player on the Northern comedy circuit. He’ll never amount to anything beyond this because he finds travelling to gigs irksome.

Published: 9 Dec 2010