Currer Ball's had enough of its rubbish

Good news this week. And by good news I don’t mean the kind that’s dished out by Russell Howard on BBC3. I’ve recently been told that Russell Howard’s Good News is in fact insightful socio-political commentary for the sophisticated and progressive youth audience of contemporary Britain.

But of course! And here’s me thinking it’s just a dressed up, re-hashed, poor man’s You’ve Been Framed: YouTube clip after YouTube clip accompanied by Howard’s heard-it-all-before, yet somehow so uniquely humourless, annotations. I’m almost embarrassed to say it now, but I honestly used to think that Russell Howard’s Good News was a great advert for eye-gorging. But I can see clearly now. The rain has gone. Nothing to worry about. Because it’s all good news and insightful socio-political commentary. In between some web footage of a black labrador doing the moonwalk.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Currer, you’re just jealous.’ And you know what? You’re right. I’ll admit it: I am jealous of Howard. Profoundly jealous. No doubt about it. But that being said, it doesn’t alter the absolute fact that Russell Howard’s Good News makes The One Show look like a pensive engagement in high culture. Or Live From Studio Five like broadcasting gold.

Anyway, apologies for the rant. Where were we? Oh, yeah: the good news. The BBC Trust announced last week that the decision to axe BBC 6 Music has been axed. So the BBC’s now going to have to find cuts elsewhere.

Back to the rant: why doesn’t the BBC take this opportunity to cull BBC Three, probably the worst channel on British television? How egregious does its quality of programming have to plunge for BBC Three to cease transmission? Of how infinitesimally little worth does BBC Three have to get before its execs figure out what any licence fee payer with half a brain realised after series 1, episode 1 of 2 Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps?, i.e. that BBC Three is at least 95 per cent woeful and a whoring of poll taxpayers’ money?

Let me give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Here’s just a flavour of BBC3’s ‘output’ – to use the industry jargon – over the last few months. Brace yourselves:

Most Annoying People; Most Annoying People: 2009 Cutdowns (you’ve got to question whether Most Annoying People merited a spin off show); Cannabis: Britain’s Secret Farms; EastEnders: The Greatest Cliffhangers; Horne And Corden (it’s rumoured that this priceless double act has split up – we can only hope); Hotter Than My Daughter (regrettably, I’m not joking); Coming of Age (sounds quite profound, doesn’t it? It’s not); Vampires: Why They Bite; Snog Marry Avoid? (Answer: avoid); 2 Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps (almost incredibly now into its eighth series – quit flogging, that horse is well and truly dead); Summer Heights High; News In 60 Seconds (beyond parody); Scallywagga (another one of those hilarious sketch shows that reflects the diversity of edgy urban life); Greek Uncovered; The World’s Toughest Driving Tests (and yet, you wouldn’t have automatically thought there’s a programme to made there); This Is Jinsy; Dancing On Wheels; Young Dumb And Living Off Mum (the world’s going to hell in a BBC Three producer’s handbag); Nicola Roberts: The Truth About Tanning (a word of advice for Nicola, the redhead from Girls Aloud: don’t ever leave the band to start a solo career. Call it a hunch, but I just can’t see that working out); Last Woman Standing; The Gemma Factor; and Russell Howard’s Good News.

Let’s pause for a second while we consider what we’ve just heard.

Mark Thompson, the BBC director-general, was on Newsnight a while back. Paxo asked him why BBC Three avoided any cuts. Thompson’s reply was that BBC Three has given us Little Britain and Gavin And Stacey.

Now, maybe you don’t happen to think that Gavin And Stacey’s quite overrated, and that Little Britain’s at best average, and relies too much on grating catchphrases, squeamishness, and morbidly obese nudity to compensate for the absence of consistently good writing. Maybe you think that Gavin And Stacey and Little Britain are the best thing since bread came sliced. But even if you genuinely think that, is BBC Three’s track record of two success stories amid six years of gargantuan guff, is it really enough to justify the existence of an otherwise worthless channel?

And who says that we need BBC Three to produce good comedy anyway? Isn’t that what BBC Two used to do? Why should licence fee payers need to fork out for a testing ground that’s watched almost exclusively by impressionable / already moronic teenagers? We didn’t need BBC Three for The Office or Alan Partridge or every single other great sitcom made before 2003.

You know, I’m not one for banning things. Free country and all that. But now and again something comes along that my complete contempt for means that normal rules don’t apply. BBC Three is one of those things. Hotter Than My Daughter? Snog Marry Avoid? Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum? Can you believe that we’re actually paying for this shite? I fail to see the good news.

If you agree with me, join the campaign to cull BBC Three at http://thecurrerball.wordpress.com/the-cull-bbc3-campaign/

Published: 13 Jul 2010