Don't let me in!

After the Geert Wilders case, Dutch comic Micha Wertheim hopes to be banned from the UK too

If nothing goes according to plan, next week I will fly from Amsterdam to London and perform two one-man shows at the Battersea Arts Centre. If things really get out of hand the audience will laugh at everything I have to say, applaud politely when the show is over and then go home. If absolutely everything goes wrong I might even get a small review on some web log concluding that I am funny.

If, however, things do go according to plan, my show will have to be cancelled because I will be denied entry into Great Brittan because of the controversial things I am planning to say about the growing number of handicapped people that are threatening our western democracies.

If things work out the way I am hoping, I will be sent back to Holland because the British government will render my comparison of handicapped toilets to the segregated toilets of the South African apartheid regime as dangerous to the national security of the country.

If things really work out well, I will be put on the first plane back to Amsterdam because your government doesn’t want a Dutch comedian exposing the fact that invalids are behind the catastrophic war in Iraq. (Just think about it; how many healthy men and women are you sending over there that return crippled and maimed? Exactly! The more handicapped return from the gulf, the bigger their numbers will get. The bigger their number, the stronger the influence of the handicapped-industrial complex. Britain, wake up!)

If things really go my way, the story of how I was banned from performing in London will make headlines all over the world. This dream scenario will enable me to once again make the point that handicapped need to either adapt to our way of life, or go back to where they came from!

Since when has taking the staircase become something which we, the able-bodied people, should be ashamed of? The tremendous amount of money wasted on so-called ‘accessibility programmes’ is enough to pull Europe out of the recession in the blink of an eye. A point I have been making in Holland for the past three years.

If Downing Street gives in to the fear that the handicapped community will rise out of their wheelchairs to start riots if my show does not get cancelled, then next week might just be the international break I was hoping for.

If, in other words, I am denied my constitutional right to make a fool of myself, I will be forever grateful.

But then again things might just go wrong. If that’s the case, I will be reduced to yet another comedian naïve enough to think that being funny is enough to make oneself heard in this big and dangerous world of ours.